It’s not that I want to die in fact, it’s the exact opposite. I want to live. The problem I have is that I’m just tired of being me; someone who can’t achieve anything of worth, a privileged individual who could have done so much more with what I had but instead fell into a spiral of self-loathing and ineptitude. Challenged by any form of difficulty my first response is ‘urgh kill me’. In fact, I say I want to die so much that it might as well be my mantra, but I know for a fact it’s just shorthand for me wanting to be special, to be needed, to be important and to be wanted.
It’s difficult. It feels like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel alone, I have friends and family which are there and rarely let me down, yet I still feel alone. Without constant attention or company I find myself back in a dark place, almost drowning in these horrible thoughts which I hate to call my own. Because of this, I feel like a burden on everyone, always asking to meet up, to hang out or go for a drink just so I can escape this feeling.
It’s funny though, however much I try and take my mind off it I can’t escape these thoughts. Even if I try and fill my time with hobbies and activities, a part of me is always focused on the negative thoughts.
And whilst it hurts as much as it does, I realize that this is something only I can fix. I can’t sit idly by and wait for this situation to be fixed by itself, because it won’t. If I want the situation to change I need to be the one to change it.
The only problem is I don’t know how. I’ve tried different things to help take my mind off of it all, yet it doesn’t work, I’ve tried focusing on the pain and trying to tackle it head on, yet I just become stressed, overwhelmed and then I’m back at square one. I know there is a way to get out this self-made pit of despair; I just hope I find it soon.