Pursuit of better introspection.

I’ve always wanted people to accept me. For people to be happy when they are around me even at times when I am not happy with myself. Thoughts like these have always been ever-present in my mind for as long as I can recall. I always find myself worrying about things that might never happen whilst also dwelling over the things that have. Even though I can identify that this is a problem I have, it feels impossible trying to get out of that mind-set.

The best way I can try and describe how I feel; on a day to day basis is like the voice in the back of my mind doubting what everyone says to me and everything around me, Not only this but also doubting myself and second guess everything I do. I can get like this with the simplest of tasks like tweeting or texting, and obviously when the issue is of more significance, the bullet of overthinking is of a higher calibre.

Usually thoughts like these don’t weigh me down, and I would consider myself to be a light-hearted, merry person. Yet just like anyone else, some days can be worse than others, and that’s when thoughts like this hit me the most. As I said before, the inner core of these thoughts are because I don’t want to let people down and I don’t want to become a burden on other people. I know that people don’t view me that way, yet there is an ongoing battle in my mind which makes me feel some days that I do.

Writing these thoughts down now, I can see how ridiculous I am being thinking like that, yet somehow in the spur of the moment I still take these thoughts as the truth and can’t seem to fully shake them.

Even though I may never be able to fully get rid of these thoughts entirely, it is becoming painstakingly clear to me now that I can, and should work on this situation. As Alexander Graham Bell once said; “the sun’s rays do not burn until brought into a focus”, and this is what I should try and do. Only I have the ability to mitigate these thoughts and transform them into something more beneficial toward me, my mental and emotional process.

Whilst this will be an uphill battle, and will be exhausting at times and I will undoubtedly slip back into unhealthy habits, I owe it to myself to change for the better.

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